Al my life i never ever began to think that i could be a parent, caring for someone other than myself or my husband. Never before did it cross my mind that i would enjoy something as simple as feeling her kick, rubbing my belly as she did somersaults off my bladder, going shopping to find just the right and cutests outfits to bring her home in. Look forward to the mail that was comming full of the baby supplies that i would need. Actually enjoy putting in a car seat For her first ride home.

Never in my wildest dreams did i ever think i would be a parent... Never in my wildest dreams did i ever think that i would enjoy pregnancy, and look forward to the day which i could hold her protectivly in my arms, and dream about Her future, the future of someone besides mine. To see her grow up, attend school have friends, and yes even get her heart broken by some guy... To see her become everything that I didnt... To be proud to say "Thats my baby"

It may be some time before i have that chance now... Everyone says that "you can still have other kids" And that i shouldnt forget that. I never could forget that but there is always going to be something different with every kid i have now, because they werent the first. She was, and all the hopes and dreams i had for her, all the memories i was hoping to build with her, all the time that we could have had together as a family have been stolen from me, from him, and most importantly from her.

Through all of this something that no one will probably ever understand is that of a mothers longing, the tears she sheds at those most pivital moments of her life, the deep feelings that she has for her children, That instinct to want to protect them, and the feeling of utter hoplessness and anger towards herself when she fails. Never before have i ever understood those feelings that a mother posses and always had i just dissmissed my own mother when things went bad when she was hurting for feeling like she failed me, and now my eyes open to that feeling and how i hate it. Hate this feeling of utter saddness, this feeling of utter lonliness and pure failure, as if i had failed the only one who truly matters.

I can sit and think, "well if only i'd done this." or "If only i hadnt done that" but it wont change anything. And in the end it wasnt my fault something else was wrong, something had to be wrong... But so close... to having my small family... so close to being a mother of a healthy bouncing baby girl who would have made our lives so full and given us such promise. Now stuck in this perpatual state of grief. "it will lessen" they all say even those who have lost their own kids... but how... how could it ever get better, How could it not hurt... how does one move on from something like this. How?

We have to and we must, for her sake even though she's not here with us physically, were we can pick her up, hold her and give her kisses she is still with us in our hearts. She IS real... she IS my daughter and that makes me a Mother. That makes him a Father. That Makes Us Parents, until the day we pass and join her in the afterlife to finally make her part of us again.